Spontaneous prose Friday winter 2014 session (no corrections no edit no nothing just words)

Spontaneous Session 2014

I haven’t felt like myself in a very long time and I don’t know why that is- and the fan spins and the thought of the cosmos -that word and how do you rough up and smash the fingers and misplace words when you edit so long- the books and the songs and the words filling the teeth bite down –you must need a different key or something and the fingers don’t remember what the brain knows somewhere inside of here is where everything breaks free and nothing is wrong and nothing is right and it just is- but control- the mood of nothing- where was- I don’t know-I was somewhere once and I was happy and the darkness of my novel is bringing me nowhere new-and I don’t know how it ends -well I do- but some of the haters are so dark and that’s me I made that up that’s how I see the world -and I can’t believe that because happiness and walking and free thinking smooth as the world has ever known but the fingers are cold and circulation -round circles of the space and where aware- we were where- was I don’t know- and nothing brings me closer and the physics and don’t look at nothing more than one second bow down to the keyboard like a radio and sing the monks tune -nothing much and white light and humming sounds and don’t think go go be now nothing more than a few weeks of separation and yes I love her and yes who cares- and nothing more than one string of a man of a ghost and I’ve been a ghost my whole life- is that true- no- I don’t think so -people have told me this and that and my whole life- plastic- everything is plastic- and the water is in plastic and the keys are plastic and the tin is plastic and the love is plastic and the hardware is all plastic and where are the words that I knew in college- the plastic garbage bags and so many books by the side of the road and I remember when I placed all my philosophy books by the side of the road and watched from the window the book by Kafka and it was a first edition and I brought all the books I thought might be worth any money to the old man and he said four dollars- for what one I said- for all of them- and that should have been enough to make me quit writing but it didn’t and it wasn’t and its always been about writing since I started writing and when I said I’m going to do it I did it and I traveled down to Saint Pete with ten dollars and this was in two thousand nine what the hell was wrong with me- and I asked what bar jack was at and they said what – nothing- they didn’t know or care- and even some of the people or most of the people knew but thought I was an idiot and people be very evil I think without trying to be evil- nobody said anything- unless you count my friend who lived there -knew Kerouac died there and lived there and I was there and sat in the same spot that he was looking at the sea with human eyes every day and the baseball stadium and the white fancy alleys by the marina and then walking and the warm air and I was fucking there and I can’t believe it and I carried a typewriter all the way down to Florida from Michigan on the bus and the thing didn’t even work very good and I was on a greyhound and in the greyhound terminal in Atlanta the day the Haitian earthquake hit and I remember seeing this little baby and she was crying and I looked at her and she smiled and it was nice and then I got lost walking around the station and I did this and then I went back and why- I didn’t even know how to write -you don’t just say that you’re going to be a writer and you don’t follow ghosts around but that’s what I did and why did I do this- why have I lost everything in the pursuit of writing -and you live a lonely life if you start writing -why did I not see this coming -why did I not see how lonely this life was before it was lonely- but that’s not what I wanted is it- no- no- no- I wanted to see things and be there and be me and that’s who I was and I felt so good and I was so down and alone and I had to give the bus driver cigarettes to get home one time because I got lost by the pier and he said get on just get on but next time bring some money and I said ok sir sounds good to me- hey it’s your stop because I fell asleep and everyone has always got so mad at me and then they give me the boot wham bam thank you mam——-

But why does everything just sail through me and the beard grows and the hair grows back and the beer is warm and the coffee is cold- the same things and old broken watches from world war two and shoveling people’s snow- and why and I do yard work and I tried to get back in the job market and sent hundreds of resumes out and nothing and the loan people call me and they say you got any money and I say not enough but hey I will pay you back someday and they say what do you do and I say well I do a lot of things but that’s not what you mean is it- and he laughs and I laugh and I want to hang up like I used to do but no I don’t want to hang up because I have not done one thing wrong -I have been a good person and good people know that but that is not good enough anymore -and there was a time when I was happy- when was that- oh I don’t know maybe in the morning after a good night of sleep because it the morning la la so good to be back I say and it takes me a while to get in the mode but I say yeah I’m going to have  a good editing day and I work on my book and it gets closer to completion and I don’t think people understand I’ve released a book or two a year in the past five or six years and I’ve only sold 1,000 in a couple years and that keeps me going but that’s fifty percent less than a spontaneous revolution and that was almost five years ago and I’ve gotten better and my new books are good and that old book people only bought because I think they thought it was about politics and not some young writer getting on a bus and losing his mind in writing after he lost everything because he graduated college- and that’s what happened- I graduated college the year that the great recession hit and now people that don’t have college degrees feel bad for me and I’m broke and over qualified for the new middle class in America who has all the office jobs and the medical companies and the  bury your soul  and instinct in the pit of your brain and hate your creative side companies don’t want to hire somebody like me because I’m smart and I want more and I want to see the ocean and not worry about how I am going to pay for my old home condos where for young people live and they  won’t hire me for anything and I almost got a job working on a boat and they found out that I was a writer and then they said don’t come back because they were polluting lake Michigan but they didn’t want me to talk so they didn’t let me work there and the list goes on and the band goes on and the words pile up and nothing new- it’s the  old blues and the same old galaxy and the same old me- it’s the same old flea and same old juice box kid- it’s the same old empty stomach the same old kid on the same old street in the forest alone on Friday night abandoned by the girl and yeah I do love her and by even myself because I don’t like who I am and I don’t like the novel- and it’s good maybe the best novel to be written in a decade- I promise you it’s a great novel- it doesn’t help me and it’s for you and I hope it helps you- but it’s hard to read because it gets dark and hell man everything is as blue as the seas and the winter is drying out and people think the unknown man who died in the great blizzard of 1888 was a saint and they don’t even know him and 126 is one of the most pure of words in the Jewish religion because it is something like seven times god and I’m not religious- I was raised catholic and I don’t care to ever think what I am is that ok- yes or no and good for you and stand up and be a better person and get that down and sure you can do what you want- I choose to be everything and I want to like everything and that’s what is so hard- I like the words the timing the breathing the life I live -but it is lonely and it is long and it is strange and sad losing over and over and gaining back that steady feeling of remorse for nothing because I have grown and I don’t stay still and I’m excited because life breathes through me and sometimes I stop and think about rage that I have had and I only raged because I was cornered by cowards- and I think about the trips and the places I’ve been and seen and I wonder why did you do the same thing as before- but no I did what I did and I wrote the words that I wrote and I’m alive and I’m here and nobody knows anything because it’s all new-the young act like this is lame and that time is old- but it’s not because time is time is time and nothing and nobody knows a damn thing and the only thing you know is how to do the right thing and to trust yourself and watch the words pile up and nothing matters when you lose the concentration of the winter- it’s bad a bad winter- and the cold air of poetics and the mice- there’s mice in the house and its gross but their there and the exterminator is coming on Tuesday and I have to move by May and I’m going to be thirty three in May and oh how everybody always tells me how old I am and she -and yeah I love her she always says Andrew this and Andrew that you need to grow up and everyone always tells me to grow up and I feel like I’m the only grown up around me at any given point because I would do anything for them and have done all that I can- sing a song boy- because why- these people don’t need names in my narrative- and these are words like Wonder bobbing his head playing the piano and I’m a blind man right now and I’m always blind and I’m never  knowing where any of this is going- and keep at it and to go and do and be and see when you’re a blind man and how many words now- now- look forward and don’t think and look at the front of your ledge and look at the screen because nothing matters and I was lost and I was lost and I was in Georgia and in the woods and walking down the rivers and I was on the ocean and in seaweed and the old shoes and still wore those old shoes today and they’re falling apart more than ever and I smile because my life makes me smile- and happiness is  life- man I don’t know what I’m trying to say with this piece but I hope that I said something.