Goodness…(I’m Pissed)

Two hours of sleep and phone calls telling me things I didn’t need to know even if they are true. Over and over I was told what probably is the case, and I didn’t need to know. What I need, is to get away. Writing this book has turned into the likes of writing and editing a book in war, in sadness and down in shady lane with shady people who oh man…. Goodness…People fuck me over all the time. Half of it is my fault  The other half is human nature. I also have this problem with surrounding myself with people who don’t give a shit about me and never try to ask me what’s up. They just blame all the time and I’m tired. Tired of the shit. Tired of the beauty that doesn’t matter if you’re alone in your head all the time. I don’t know. I’ve been notorious for leaving these kinds of posts before. Sometimes it’s necessary for me to get this out. I’m alone and I’m dying right now. I’m sick or something because in a way it feels nostalgic, but as you get older it just feels like a damn crying shame, a giant waste of the best damn years of my life. I gave everything to some people who left me with nothing, and…

Everybody left. All my friends left. Goodness…Everybody is gone. Another year and Here I am. My book is close but far away. I could have it done but it takes so much out of me and then I walk and print pages of the manuscript and it looks all nice and I’m happy, and then it’s so far away. There will never be a time like this. Now. Now . Now. Goodness…Will you buy it? Is what I’m doing worth a damn. Or is it pity and a waste of time. Am I crazy in a world of sanity. Goodness ..What is it? I’m tired. Goodness. We love those that beat us over and over. Goodness. I don’t get why I care. Goodness. I think, it’s just, that I want to do something and I’m  stuck more now than ever before, and I’m more alone now than ever before, and I’m dying. I’m cold and starving. I’m tired. Goodness. I’m tired . I’m tired. Goodness. But I can’t sleep because I have so much to live for. So much to see. So much to love. So much to say, and I don’t know what. Goodness. To. Goodness….  Do….and I woke up because of a nightmare, because I was told something I didn’t need to know. A knife in my chest and I surround myself with people who will cut me, walk away, see that I stopped bleeding, come back,  place band-aid over the wound….  and goodness,  then rip it off before it’s healed, saying “I’m never seeing you again”. Then, all of em’, back telling me let’s forget about what happened. I’m still bleeding from the last battle. I don’t forget. Goodness. Ha…

Goodness. Will you buy my book? Goodness…Will you watch my funeral march. Goodness. Will you clap along to my misery. Fuck this adventure. She left. He left. He left. She left. A swan wanted to kill me today. A badger just walked by and didn’t even care I was there. Goodness. They left. They all left. Goodness. They said they’re never coming back. They’re 3000 miles away and more, and you’re here, in the attic of your grandmother’s house, and you’re constantly losing and running out of time.

Goodness…Head up. March on. Goodness. Wake up after sleep and wish for melancholy. That’s the best emotion I hope for these days. The feeling, of nothing. One day it will be worth it I’m told. Goodness. One day, the nothingness of my existence will be worth more than the agony of my restlessness. I’m not pissed. Goodness. I’m just worn down. America, I wish I could say fuck you like Ginsberg did. But I love you. That’s my god damn problem. I trust you. I loathe you. You’re beautiful and two-faced like your currency. One day smiling. The other day, hiding behind the Illusion of an all-seeing eye-ball. Goodness…and everything in my life will be gone soon. I’ll finish my book. Goodness. I need to sell a thousand dollars worth of the damn things. Then I’m leaving, and never coming back. I miss people who only laugh and judge, and as they always say, get over it. This is a good moment for me. Goodness. I know that. It’s sad. Goodness. I need some constant peace after this. Ha.  I’m prepared for something great, even if it’s only walking away. Goodness…I wonder what I said this time…Goodness GRACIOUS! 

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